Punt (n): 1 A big stick used by gondoliers to move a boat along a river; (v) to punt 2 A powerful football kick 3 (v) To place a bet (n) punter

Time for the final Instalment of Rotter's glossary of terms. The good news is that as I write this, I've been having some imaginary bets on the racing at Catterick and Chepstow. Good news because all my selections have lost and I've not been in a position to back them. If you're a mug punter, you'll understand the logic.

If truth be told it's been a grim few weeks on the punting front. In fact, Yours Truly is on a losing streak of epic proportions. But more of that next month.

Mind you, a story I found recently on an American website cheered me up. It involved a professional gambler's 'unluckiest lucky streak'. This guy was a pro football punter who regularly drove the 45 minutes to Nevada at weekends to get his bets on. His average stake was anything from 0 to ,000 a game and apparently he was something of a legend in US betting circles.

The story goes that during one weekend of the American Football season, he couldn't face the drive and instead, entered a local newspaper competition to predict the results of 20 games correctly. The finer details passed me by a bit and of course, the story was polluted with US jargon. You know the kind of nonsense: lines, picks, parlays and point-spreads (whatever they are). Anyway, despite entering the game for 'fun', he managed to get all 20 right (at odds of more than a million to one) and picked up the winning prize - the princely sum of 0. He didn't have a dollar of his own cash on any of his picks. The thing that tickled him most was the paper asking him what he was going to do with the money!

Ha bloody ha. If that happened to me I'd be suicidal, but this guy was philosophical about it and even phoned his mate to have a laugh about it. I suppose that's what makes the difference between the pros and the Harry Rotters of this world. So if any of the following rings true, then you can definitely be in my gang.

R... is for 'rubbish'

Where most of my betting slips and how jockeys at the top of their form ride when my money is on. R is also for 'Rag', the unfancied nag that always manages to find a miraculous burst of speed to tip off my selection by a short head. It happened last week in a race at Nottingham; my 5/1 selection was home and hosed, two lengths clear with half a furlong to go... until a 50/1 shot came out of the clouds to swoop late and deprive me of my rightful winnings. I was speechless.

S... is for 'SP', the conundrum to confound all mug punters

Do I take the price or SP? One thing is absolutely guaranteed: if Rotter takes a price, the odds will lengthen by at least a point every minute up to the 'off'. Also guaranteed is that as soon as Rotter opts for SP, the odds will collapse quicker than Tim Henman in a Wimbledon tie-break.

T... is for 'tipsters'

With a few notable exceptions, these are individuals who make outrageous claims about their ability to pick winners and then charge you an arm and a leg to give you a string of losers. Met a friend at the races the other day who used to be an antiques dealer, but has now turned his hand to the tipping game. He said he knows no fewer than 51 tipsters in Brighton alone. That should tell you all you need to know about most tipsters.

U... is for 'unseated rider'

And that, apparently, is not the same as falling off a horse to make sure it doesn't win. After all, that would be cheating, wouldn't it?

V... is for 'victory'

See W.

W... is for 'winner'

Backed one of those once. Seems like it was a long time ago.

X... is for 'X-rated'

My recent run of bad luck on the horses. My poker, on the other hand, is XXX-rated. Why is it that whenever I draw an Ace flush or four of a kind on the river that everyone folds? And when I try to push my luck with a 6-3 off-suit, everyone piles in and makes me look stupid?

Y... is for 'yankee'

Four selections, 11 bets - seems like a great idea but is in fact a total waste of time. I've never met anyone who has had more than two horses up. If one selection wins, it's inevitably the 25/1 shot you threw in there to pump up the odds, and you can be guaranteed that you never bothered to back it as a separate single.

Z... is for when it's time to start backing horses which have names that begin with a 'Z'

After all, Zafonic was no slouch. All other methods have failed miserably so why not? Reckon I'll give it a go for a while then start back at 'A' again.

I'll let you know how I get on, so watch this space...